guest post
short story
Today we have a very special guest post by Thomas Winship, author of the Vaempires series. Enjoy his hysterical short piece about the woes of planning a vampire wedding.
Confessions of A Vampire Wedding
Planner
Hello everyone. I’m so
excited to be today’s guest blogger at Sarcasm & Lemons! I’m Thomas Winship, author of Vaempires: The Evolutionary War, an
ongoing vampire series that explores the question: what if vampires evolved?
To date, the series has three
books: Revolution, Zombie Rising, and White Christmas. However,
I’m not here to talk about my books today. Instead, I want to introduce you to Rhonda,
vampire wedding planner extraordinaire and author of the DIY bestsellers, Help Me, Rhonda, and The Best Laid Plans.
[Rhonda] Hello everyone. I’m Rhonda. No last name. I
gave it up for Lent one year and never picked it up again. Haha!
Okay, with the icebreaker behind us, what say we move
along?
As Tom said, I’m a wedding planner. But I’m not just a
wedding planner; I am The Vampire Wedding Planner. Like me on Facebook.
But seriously, as most of you know, a wedding planner
is a professional who assists with the design, planning, and
management of a client's wedding (thank
you Wikipedia). It’s not a profession a person typically aspires to; it’s a
profession a person turns to—the type
of person who is never satisfied and knows he/she will continually seek that
“perfect” wedding, but doesn’t have the nerve to seek it on his/her own behalf,
because of the stigma associated with being married multiple times.*
As such, I’ve planned more weddings than I care to
count—each one an example of individual beauty and artistry that rivals the
wonders of the world by melding the essence of the subject couple with the genius
of yours truly. But that’s not what I’m here to talk about today. Instead, I
want to change gears and share something that I’ve never shared with anyone
before, in any form or forum: the things I detest most about my job.
That’s right—Rhonda, The Vampire Wedding Planner, is
about to dish the dirt on those undead dopes and divas!
Rhonda’s
Ten Pet Peeves:
10. Incorporating
blood into the wedding. Blood
is not a color scheme. Nor
is it a state of mind. For that matter, it’s also not a theme. Blood is not the
“be-all” or the “end-all.” Not even close. And while it may be thicker than
water, nine out of ten vampires still prefer water for bathing, mixing with a
nice scotch, or cooking their favorite pasta. And, in my experience, nothing whips a wedding crowd
into a frenzy quicker than the unexpected sight of blood; not cheap hors
d’oeuvres or a cash bar or even a rampaging bridezilla. Nothing.
9. Vampire
children who order Bloody Marys. It
isn’t witty. It isn’t original. It isn’t adorable or cute or understandable. It’s
only in their nature if they haven’t been raised with proper limits. Serving
alcohol to minors also happens to be against the law in most civilized
societies and, besides, have you ever witnessed a group of drunken, out-of-control
vampire children? It’s Hunger Games
meets Lord of the Flies, with a
script by Michael Bay and a soundtrack by Marilyn Manson.
8. Destination
weddings. They are a bad idea, plain and simple. Too many variables; too
many things to go wrong … and I’m not talking about the “don’t drink the water”
variety. The Caribbean has too much sun. The Mediterranean has too much
anti-vampire history. And everywhere, absolutely everywhere, the potential for
innocent casualties (aka collateral damage) is just too great for my peace of
mind.
7. Couples who
think their story is unique. Believe it or not, I don’t care who turned whom
or how compelling you think your story of “finding true love after centuries of
solitude“ is. IMHO, two vampires with more than a few years difference in their
ages have exactly one thing in common: physical attraction (commonly referred
to as the lust-monkey). Strip away the beautiful veneer and all that’s left is
the fact that you’re hot for each other. Congratulations for being as shallow
as the humans you consider yourselves superior to.
And here’s a news flash to vampire couples everywhere:
yours is not the greatest romance of all time. Not even close. Let’s see … a
tormented guy who mistreats a woman he later falls in love with … a young woman
who’s ready to give up everything and everyone she’s ever known for a guy she
barely knows … a guy so in love with a woman that he sneaks into her room to
watch her sleep … a woman who must choose between two men who promise to
protect her while continually exposing her to danger … these are the collected descriptions
of every Lifetime movie ever made.
Heck, there’s a good chance that the thing you call
love is outlawed somewhere.
I’m just sayin’ …
6. Wedding
guests. Not all of them, of course. Most wedding guests are quite pleasant,
but there are some—typically those who are horny or lonely or drunken or some
combination thereof—who get under my skin. If I had a dollar for every person
who’s placed a sloppy kiss on my cheek only to slide down to my neck, or
offered to show me how big his/her claws are, or attempted to trick me into
inviting him/her to my room for a nightcap (yup, that rumor is true—they can’t
come in unless invited), I’d be a blue blood.
Luckily—contrary to popular belief—vampires do not get
stronger as they get older. They get stranger, certainly, but not stronger;
which is fortuitous since the overwhelming number of inappropriate advances are
made by centuries-old relics who are more dangerous to themselves than they are
to a lil’ ol’ human gal like me.
5. Custom wedding
vows. Yuck! What is it about getting married that endows so many people
with delusions of grandeur? And what makes people think that being in love (or
something like it) suddenly transforms them into writers?
I’ve seen people who can’t read my brochures suddenly
decide that they’re going to write their own vows. You can imagine how that
turns out.
And even for those who can write, I say leave it to the experts. You’re not
growing your own flowers are making your own dress … so why screw up your vows?
Trust me. You’ll screw them up plenty over time. Don’t
give it a head start at the altar.
I’ve heard enough bad vows to fill a library. In fact,
it may be the subject of my next book. For now, here’s a treasure from a few
days ago:
Bride: Each day
was empty. Meaningless. I never lived until the day you bit me.
Groom: You may
not be able to get blood from a stone, but I’ll always be your rock.
Yes … they were that bad. I kid you not.
Don’t let that be you.
4. Parents’
dances. Yes, they are a custom in many cultures. Yes, they can be very
sweet and emotionally moving. Who doesn’t like to see dad cry or mom beam with
pleasure?
No one.
Conversely, no one wants to see dad die or mom scream
in anguish … which is why I always ask a client to please eschew the parents’
dances if any of the following are true: a) you or your spouse has “mommy”
issues; b) you or your spouse has “daddy” issues; c) you can’t agree whether to
dance with biological parents or the vampires who turned you; or d) any of the
biological parents are still human.
Of course, I also throw in e) any of the potential
dance partners look younger than the newlyweds. It’s not necessarily dangerous,
but it’s just unnatural.
It’s also why I don’t plan weddings in California.
3. Maid of
Honor/Best Man speeches. These
things are dangerous enough in the human world, where an already-drunken best
man accidentally reveals that he and the groom were once “very, very close” or
the maid of honor recounts the wild college weekend that ended with the bride
married to a charming hotel valet … but just imagine how interesting things get
when the individuals in question have a shared history that’s centuries’ long.
Forget “who slept with who” … it’s a straight-up cornucopia of dysfunction,
with plenty of “who turned who” and “who drained who” mixed in with a bunch of
“who watched who get staked and did nothing” and “who left the lid up on whose
coffin.” Then there’s a bunch of “I always got stuck with the non-virgin blood”
and “WTF were you doing there?” thrown
in for good measure.
Think The Jerry
Springer Show on crack and you might come close.
2. Certain bonuses,
tips, or gratuities. It pleases me tremendously to know that I gave you a
perfect wedding; the one you always dreamed of. It’s also my job, so I’m
satisfied both personally and professionally. If you want to show your
appreciation with more than words, it’s usually my turn to be grateful.
Cash is preferred. Checks made out to “cash” are a
close second. Odd marketable securities and/or precious stones will not be
refused, although I don’t have the right connections to ensure I’m not getting
ripped off when I cash them in. A villa in France, an exotic car, a sports
franchise … there are myriad ways to reward me.
However, I can’t stress enough how much I’m not
interested in becoming a vampire. I don’t want to “join the winning team.” I
don’t want to live forever. And I certainly don’t want to stick around for the
sake of performing the same service for “the children of your children’s
children.”
1. Sparkly
vampires. I could go on all day about this one. I won’t, of course, but I want
to go on record as saying that I could. What I want to know is: when will the
madness end? It’s been years, and I still have far too many couples asking me
to make them sparkle.
I’ll admit that it was kinda cute at first—cheesy, but
cute. But it quickly became droll. Then it evolved into boring, before
power-shifting from passé to infuriating to where it currently sits:
mind-numbingly maddening.
And still it continues. I want to scream, “Are we
planning a wedding or a costume party?” But I hold my tongue.
For pete’s sake (Pete, of course, is my husband, who
is wayyyy beyond sick of listening to me complain about this), people, I’ve
never seen a sparkly vampire. They aren’t real. They are a figment of someone’s
overactive imagination, I suppose, or perhaps an underactive one … but the fact
is that they don’t exist. Period.
I have seen vampires with oily skin that glistened in
sunlight. I’ve seen vampires that glowed by the light of the silvery moon. I’ve
even seen vampires—typically well into the festivities, when it’s easier to
confuse the kitchen and restroom doors— with sparkly things inserted in places never
intended by nature … but I have never seen a vampire that sparkled naturally.
So, there you have it; the top ten things that drive
me crazy. Still, if you’re a potential client—and who isn’t?—don’t be frightened.
None of the above will stop me from giving you the kick-a$$ wedding of a
lifetime (or two)!
And for those wondering how I can ever feel safe when vampires
constantly surround me, remember that I have sole control over the one thing that
all vampires fear:
My bill for services rendered.
Rhonda
*Author’s
Note: I apologize to any wedding planners offended by Rhonda’s statement. While
I’m certain she believes this is the truth, and I strongly support her right to
speak freely, please keep in mind that her statements represent her opinion
only.
I’d
like to thank all of you for stopping in and offer a very special “thank you”
to CJ for inviting me to Sarcasm & Lemons. I hope you enjoyed my guest blog.
I’d love to hear what you think of it and/or answer any questions you may have.
Post comments or questions below and I’ll be sure to respond.
Feel
free to stop by my website and reach out. I’d love to hear from you if you
check out Vaempires.
Below
are links where you can find me.
Take
care,
Thomas
Winship
